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Somersaulting Niagra Falls in an Ape Suit
A tightrope walker may not immediately strike you as a kicker of asses, but that’s only because you’ve never heard of Charles Blondin, a tightrope walker of such skill and ability he could cook an...
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This Badass Day in History: September 25
WE THE PEOPLE of the United States probably wouldn’t exist if it wasn’t for days like today. Why is that? Because September 25 is one of the most important days on the calendar for this nation, all...
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With Fists like These, Every Door Is Unlocked
Ankō Itosu, better known by his title of “the father of goddamn karate!” was a man who accomplished feats you’d normally only read about in the comment sections of YouTube videos on MMA fights. The...
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The Tile-Throwing Karate Eccentric
Motobu Chōki is known as one of the 20th Century’s greatest karate masters by the eight people who are aware of who the hell he is, which is a shame because everyone should know who this guy was...
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Winning Streak
Orsippus of Megara may not have been the most famous ancient athlete or even the best, but he was certainly the one with the most balls. We know this because Orsippus was the first athlete in Greek...
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The New York Yankees of Chariot Racing
Alkibiades was an Athenian aristocrat who, using his vast wealth and reach was able to accomplish the seemingly impossible task of coming first, second and fourth in the same race. If you’re think...
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Hanukkah for Gentiles
The other day I was lighting my menorah with my children when I suddenly burst into tears. “Why are you crying, Daddy?” my youngest son asked. “Is it because of this long parade of sadness and misery...
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Surprisingly Badass Facts About the Groundhog for Groundhog Day
For many people their only (limited) exposure to the creature Google assures us is called a groundhog and not a land hamster is probably the film Groundhog Day, which is kind of a shame because...
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No Crane, No Gain
Ng Mui, a.k.a., Five Plums, was a legendary female martial artist known for inventing more ways of shattering a man’s collar-bone than college football and Jägerbombs combined. Ng Mui’s story begins,...
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St Patrick’s Replacements
St. Patrick was a foreigner who came to Ireland to tell everyone to live in moderation and not have sex. That is every possible opposite of St. Patrick’s Day. We couldn’t have a worse patron saint if...
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Ass-Kicking Athletes of Antiquity: Chionis of Sparta
Chionis of Sparta was an ancient Olympic athlete with leg muscles so dense and strong he couldn’t do squats in one location for too long for fear of kicking the Earth out of orbit. He was a man with...
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This Badass Day in History: June 18
Yea, though the skies themselves be rent asunder and the demons of a thousand years’ penance spill forth from the crack in the sky, ‘twon’t be half sad badass a day as this date in history! …unless it...
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This Boxer Stopped Fighting to Berate the Crowd
With a name like Kleitomachos, you know this one is going to be good, come on, he’s already got macho right there in his name, he’s halfway to Wrestlemania with that alone. Embodying everything that...
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A Jam Session with the Devil
Giuseppe Tartini was the 17th century equivalent of Slayer. He was a hard rockin’ Italian who composed a song with Satan while hiding in a monastery from an angry bishop whose daughter he’d just had...
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The Art of Video Gamesmanship, Pt. 2
Several weeks ago I penned an article all about how to squeeze more life out of popular video games by playing them wrong on purpose, because there a bunch of video games and (as far as I’m aware) only...
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UFC Middleweight Champion Chris Weidman
“Something is burning on your stove,” Chris said, completely deadpan. “What?” I blurted out, unsure if I heard him correctly through my sometimes-questionable Skype connection. “It’s smoking –...
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The God of Self-Confidence
There’s a fine line between confidence and arrogance. The ancient Syrian runner, Eubotas of Cyrene was a man who decided to teabag that line and build a statue of himself doing it. We say this because...
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The Real-Life Iron Fist
Lam Sai Wing was a master of Chinese martial arts with a fist made of gnarled iron and a list of students so long it’d make Ron Jeremy blush. Throughout his life Lam Sai Wing fought against and bested...
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Only an Idiot Would Duel Beethoven
Most of you probably know Beethoven as the guy who played that kick-ass solo in the Bill & Ted movie — oddly, that movie is probably the best representation of the composer ver put to film. We’re...
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The Runner Who Couldn’t Stop, Even to Win
Simply put, Politis of Keramos is the only guy in the entire history of running to win three Olympic events in the sport on the same day. If you’re thinking “Hmph, that doesn’t sound that impressive,”...
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Thailand’s Most Unstoppable (& Unbelievable) Warrior
Phraya Pichai Daab Hak is the absolute mouthful of a name given to an ancient Thai warrior famed for his martial arts skills, bravery and the fact he once swung a sword so hard it broke in half. For...
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Victor Ortiz of ‘Expendables 3′
With Expendables 3 hitting the theatres August 15th, it looks like it may be time for Victor Ortiz to change his Twitter bio (@VICIOUSortiz) which currently reads: “I’m a champion. I’m a boxer. That’s...
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Ass#()!% Athletes of Antiquity: A Real-Life King Joffrey
There’s an old saying that “money can’t buy you happiness,” which is true, but money can buy you Olympic glory. Don’t believe us? Just ask Emperor Nero who bribed his way to victory so hard we’re...
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Franz Liszt Pulls Mountains of Sex
When you think of careers that would make women fight over your discarded clothing, concert pianist probably ranks somewhere near sewage treatment worker and that guy who tackles streakers at football...
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The Real Warrior Princess
When the words “Warrior Princess” march their way into a conversation, there’s really only one woman people think of and that’s Xena. As awesome as we think Xena is, we think it’s sad that the only...
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He Bit Cows’ Faces for a Living
As much as their reputation paints them as docile, oddly stupid creatures, cows are animals you do not want to mess with. They’re over a thousand pounds of muscle with a skull thicker than a car door:...
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The Boxer Who Forged Tools with His Bare Knuckles
Okay, in this series of chronicling all of the balltastic adventures of awesome athletes from history we’ve made a number of hyperbolic statements in the names of comedy. So we’d just like to get this...
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Tourist Fights Off Armed Mob, Is Badass
You know how it is— you’re walking down the street and then all of a sudden you’re dishing out pugilistic justice to an armed gang. And then you wake up, because Double Dragon scenarios don’t regularly...
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Real-Life Hercules Punched a Lion to Death
Polydamas of Skotoussa is a literal larger-than-life athlete from history, his size was such that in his own lifetime he was consistently compared to demigods like Herakles (by them) and Kratos from...
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4 More Awesome Sports Which Deserve More Respect
America focuses so much wealth and attention on football you’d swear jealous sports scientist were generating new particles in a Large Human Collider. But the only thing they’re proving is that greed...
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